Chapter 39: I Call It the Crossroads.
When I became a mother at twenty-four, I decided that by forty I would be done with being a mother. At forty, I would focus on myself because my children would be old enough to be independent. Ha!
My first marriage lasted over a decade and blessed me with two beautiful children. I was then at the crossroads of “do I do this all over again or do I focus on myself?” Again, life happened, and I decided I would do it again. I would marry and have a child.
Now, here we are! I’m young enough to be able to carry a child if I wanted to or I’m old enough to say “fuck it, I’m done” and call it day. The crossroads of motherhood! It’s true many women are now having babies into their fifties, but do I want to do that? Do I want to start all over? Or do I finally want to just continue enjoying being a mom and look forward to an empty nest?
So, here we are. Another birthday. Another crossroads.
While I have been debating, I have learned a few things over the past year. And one thing I have learned (or relearned, really) is the passion I have for writing.
I have stepped away for far too long with no excuses other than not being properly motivated to write. But I started writing the other day and haven’t been able to slow down. It’s like the crossroads of approaching forty sparked something inside me.
Approaching forty is not what it used to be. Approaching forty now is an accomplishment, a milestone that women look forward to because they are marching into the decade of middle age with a better mental, emotional, and spiritual perspective. They are embracing new beginnings.
Whether we are embracing motherhood, a career, a relationship, or deciding to travel, women are now happy to age gracefully. Then there are the women who are at the crossroads of an intolerable situation, deciding whether to stay or go. Do I stay for the sake of the children? Do I want children? Or do I go and take my chances with life? What do I do? What works best for me? Why must my biological clock decide for me?
I’m too mature to not think about what I want in the next five years, but I’m too young to decide my future now.
With my thoughts on being at this crossroads, I was inspired to write a poem. It’s my first in a very long time, so please be kind. 🙂
Dedicated to all my women who have been at an unfortunate crossroads and decided to choose themselves.
Life Is Hard…
Swipe right . . .
We found each other in a pool of souls looking for love,
We looked for friendship and found love,
You were my best friend, and I was everything to you,
I could feel your love from miles away.
You made sure I never felt insecure or anything less than a Queen.
A chilly, beautiful evening in the city of dreams, you asked me to be your forever.
You couldn’t live without me and wanted to spend the rest of your life wooing me, because you were so lucky to have me in your life,
You dreamed of me many years before you met me,
I was your sun to your darkest night.
Marry me!
Life moved quickly. A year of dating, we were engaged.
A year later, we moved in together.
A month later, we were pregnant.
You were happy it was a boy, what you always wanted.
Our life was perfect.
The beginning of the perfect storm!
***
My relationship was covered by a shadow,
A shadow he allowed to enter and never leave,
A shadow he allowed to steal my joy and replace with pain,
Over the years we experienced joyful times—engagement, birth, marriage, travel, business and more, but I was never allowed to enjoy it, because the shadow lurked behind the door.
To the outside world I had it all, a man who loved me, a man who gave me the world,
But on the inside, I was broken, screaming for an escape from the drama, the arguments and the appearance of it all,
I craved a life of peace, quiet, and calm.
Read the full poem here.