My marriage was over.
I faced the image in the mirror I had been avoiding for some time—myself.
The time to put on my big-girl panties was now. No more tears. No more stress. No more hoping things would change. The divorce papers were signed, and it was time for me to accept the truth and let go. Life had taken an unexpected turn, and I could sit and wallow or I could push forward.
I was going to push forward.
I accepted a happy-hour invite with a few coworkers in hopes of letting my hair down, having great conversations, and remembering what it was like to be and have fun again. Expecting nothing, I had zero expectations for any form of intimacy. Then he walked in . . . my very own Mr. Big. His name was Dallas, an attractive coworker I had befriended almost a year earlier. We always kept things respectful and friendly, as we were both in relationships, but the forbidden chemistry was undeniable. You could feel the energy between us.
He walked over, said hello, and asked how I was doing. Two drinks later, he learned that I was divorced, and I learned that he was single. We were both vulnerable and needed to feel something other than pain. What started as a casual fling turned into us becoming soulmates. But neither of us was ready for a life together. I hadn’t even thought about what dating after 40 would even look like. I wasn’t ready. But…
We spent the next six months on the worst emotional rollercoaster ride you could imagine. We desperately fought so hard to keep each other at a distance that we created a stronger bond when we were together. I would push, he would push, I would yell, he would distance himself. I would quit, he would show up. For some reason, between all the red flags, the arguing, the stress, fate kept bringing us back together. If we vowed to stay apart, I would see him in the elevator and rekindle the connection we both couldn’t deny. He would fall, then I would fall too, back down a rabbit hole so deep it would cause us to make the riskiest choices. When we were together time operated on a different level; five hours felt like five minutes. Weekend staycations felt like a loop of honeymoons every time.
Related link: Fall into a Self-Care Staycation
I realized the harder we loved each other, the more damage we did. We tried so long to escape our true feelings that we eventually burned each other out. I couldn’t take it anymore. I had to get off the roller coaster. He had to let go, but how—how do you send your soulmate back into the world without you?
We both had to let go!
How many times did Mr. Big and Carrie let each other go in Sex and the City? Somehow, through all the circumstances they kept finding each other again and reconciling, until Mr. Big was ready to make the ultimate commitment. I used to think Dallas and I would find each other again in ten years when life looks different for both of us and we would spend forever together. But now I’m not sure. As Carrie discovered in And Just Like That, should she have chosen Aidan along? Was it a mistake to marry Mr. Big? We can’t turn back time or change our decisions, but we can reflect on what we want and who we want to share our space with.
Photo Credit: HBO
For me, I don’t know if Dallas and I will have another story later in life or if I would even say yes, but I can say that I enjoyed the moments we did share. Dating after 40 brings you clarity that you don’t have time to waste playing games or being with someone who mistreats you. Dallas did show me how true love is supposed to feel. Despite the emotional damage because we weren’t ready for that kind of love, I still learned a lot about love.
Love is kind.
Love is respectful.
Love is no pressure.
Love is support.
Love is sacrifice.
Love is affectionate.
Love is let’s talk, not argue.
Love is hold me when I’m upset, don’t dismiss me.
Love is kiss my flaws.
Love is vulnerability.
So, for the future: if someone can put me in my soft-girl era then I know he is strong enough to break down the walls and love me the right way.
What does true love look like for you?
