xoSelf (short for Love Yourself)) is a weekly advice series where women can anonymously seek advice on topics about relationships, work, finding themselves or life challenges. xoSelf is responded to by educator & life coach Dr. Walter Hidalgo.
Dear xoSelf:
My boyfriend of five years is super jealous that I decided to love myself. We moved in together last year and I told him that I didn’t want to only shack up. I wanted to be married. He promised that he would propose, but there hasn’t been any signs of it. In fact, he has been working overtime to avoid the subject and plan everything but that. I started focusing on myself more (traveling, reading, gym) doing anything that makes me happy. He now complains that I am not around enough and he feels I’m cheating on him. I guess he’s right that I am cheating, but not in the way he thinks. I’m loving myself and it feels great. I do feel that I am over him and his dragging feet. Should I leave or give him more time to figure it out?
Answer:
As the saying goes – time reveals all things! My question for you is: How much time have you dedicated in making this work? Do you need more time? Have you considered speaking to a couples counselor to get a 2nd and in some cases a 3rd opinion? I ask because it sounds like you are in a different place in your life compared to your partner. The truth of the matter is, it’s very difficult to change anyone the older we get let alone alter habits. What you are asking your partner is to change habits and he may not be ready to do that. Have you asked him what he wants? Since actions speak louder than words he may have given you a response already? Good luck!
Related article: xoSelf: Have I outgrown my husband or is he intimidated by my success?
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Dr. Walter Hidalgo is an educator and coach. He has a master’s of arts in Church History and Sociology from Union Theological Seminary at Columbia University and a doctorate from New York Theological Seminary where his focus was on the intersectionality between Hip-hop culture and socio-spiritual movements. He has taught in universities, high schools, prisons, not-for-profit organizations, and faith-based institutions from all over the world. And finally, he is the author of the critically acclaimed book, “Beyond the Four Walls: The Rising Ministry and Spirituality of Hip-hop” where he has worked with numerous Hip-hop artists, educators, and youth from all over the world to create spaces of fun and empowerment.