Today in the Pick Your Brain Segment we are chatting with Heartbreak Coach Ohouo who is sharing her advice on how to cope with a breakup and find inner peace.
Pick Your Brain Segment: Dealing with a Heartbreak & How to Cope
What advice would you give to women dealing with a break-up during the pandemic who can’t always go out and socialize or do a girls night out for distraction?
Think of your breakup as a gift in disguise. Yes, use the time to know yourself and heal. You might think that being alone is a curse but it is not. It is the key to your essence. Hiding from your emotions and truth as well as staying busy will not take away your hurt.
Emotion is energy in motion. So your receptivity to the energy flowing in your body, your perception of yourself and your breakup, and your beliefs will inform your feelings. Consequently, you will decide if you are having positive or negative feelings.
Either way love, you need to feel your emotions to release the association you gave to the energy boiling in your body and your thoughts. Repressing and ignoring your emotions will amplify your pain and might transform this moment into a negative pivotal time in your life.
What you should do instead with this breakup, quiet time, and semi-isolation is to go deep to your core to release and repattern. Find out what meaning and attachment you gave to the relationship. Hear, understand, and feel your inner self, inner child, inner critic, protective self and any messenger trying to protect you. Embrace your internal battle and pain.
What can you do? My advice is to have an affair with yourself. YES! Find the things that make you happy and go do them. Pick up a new hobby such as yoga, cooking or painting. Take yourself on a date at home or any locations you fancy. Journal your thoughts. Meditate. Allow your emotions to move through you for understanding, releasing, and repatterning. Move your body. Rewrite your breakup story. Cultivate self-intimacy and self-acceptance, which will help you heal your broken heart and unleash your true power.
During a breakout if there is loss of contact, should the person seek closure?
As humans we desire closure but unfortunately closure is not always part of the equation. What should you do if you desire closure and have not gotten it? Give yourself the closure you desire. Your brain does not know the difference between your ex giving you closure or you tricking your mind with the desired closure.
Practice 1
Visualize yourself standing face to face with your ex. Applicable for departed partners as well. See him acknowledging the pain he caused you and asking for forgiveness. Take the stage, state your peace, and visualize him acknowledging and receiving your comments from a non-judgemental place. Close with “I forgive you for breaking my heart and trust. I forgive myself now and break free from my chains. I give myself permission to move on at last.” You may insert your own words.
Practice 2
Rewrite your own breakup story. Make it the ideal breakup for you. Grab your journal and let’s go. What words do you wish were used? The emotion he felt. The time of day. Your emotions. Your words. Your closure. Your reassurance. You are the artist of your life so paint your ideal masterpiece.
Thoughts from pen to paper will allow you to move your emotions and release them. Give yourself the closure you desire. You got this!
Can you share some tips for self-dating?
This is a magical tool to understand yourself, heal your heart, release, and be. Taking yourself on a date will reinforce your self-intimacy and resilience muscles. Here are my favorite tips for this underestimated magical tool:
- Set a weekly routine. Mark your calendars with weekly self-date appointments. Same day and possibly same time to minimize self-resistance.
- Make a reservation because then you will be less inclined to cancel.
- Have an accountability partner that will encourage you to proceed with your plans. Or reach out to me for additional Date Yourself To Self Intimacy Signature Program.
- Stretch your comfort zone but not too much, otherwise you will be discouraged and will stop.
- Give yourself small and incremental challenges and continuously renew and update them.
- Make it fun and enjoyable.
- Start with an inviting environment where you can spark a conversation with strangers. Yes, the objective is to step outside of your comfort zone, dare, discover yourself, and build your intimacy and resilience muscles so what better way than being uncomfortable.
- Observe and log in your journal your emotions, challenges, fun, lessons, opportunities, and progress.
- Give yourself self-date goals and reward yourself for your successes – small or big ones.
- If you decide to have a date at home. Set the tone and ambiance. Dress up and mark your calendars still for a block of time. No visitors or interruptions then. Just spend time with yourself doing something you enjoy, such as a movie night, a candle light dinner, pleasuring yourself or more. The sky is your canva.
Related article: Pick Your Brain: Building Confidence in the Workplace
In what ways can women get back to the person they were before the breakup?
In reality, you will never be the woman you were yesterday or before your breakup because we evolve and adapt to change and our circumstances. You want to learn from the experience and give yourself permission to release the personas and stories that are no longer serving you.
We are afraid of change but change is key for growth. So pick up your big girl panties and do the internal work required to heal your heart, release your wounds, and repattern your beliefs.
Set the intention to embrace yourself where you are and as you are. Then release what is no longer serving you to make room for the woman you need to be to reach the next phase in your life. Be graceful with yourself and know that your breakup does not determine your worth. Dissociate your breakup and emotions from your inherent worth.
After a break-up what are some ways or things that you should let go of; should you do a self-evaluation of why you personally didn’t think the relationship worked?
After a breakup, you should stop reliving the breakup over and over hoping for a different outcome as you blame and shame yourself.
You should stop having sex with your ex hoping to rekindle the relationship. On the contrary, adopt the no contact rule, no sms, no emails, no calls, and no social media stalking. Get rid of memories and personal items, and disconnect from family members and mutual friends until you have reached peace and acceptance.
In addition, you should stop associating the failure of your breakup with your worth.
You should definitely have a self-examination to go to the core of your beliefs and your part in the breakup. You need two people to tango so somehow you did partake in your current reality, which is the end of your relationship.
Understanding your attachment, wounds, and beliefs will open the door to your subconscious and allow healing. Think of this concept – HAVING IS EVIDENCE OF WANTING. So you have because you want consciously or unconsciously. Is your conscious mind aligned to your subconscious mind? What is appealing to you about this reality? Why are you creating this reality? What core beliefs created your reality? Why are you protecting yourself? How can you embrace the part of you that attracted the breakup and reset your focus?
Doing the internal work is necessary for your healing and your next relationship. And I am here if you need additional support.
Related article: xoSelf: Remain Business Partners or Co-Parent Only
How can a womenpreneur who’s running a business handle a breakup, but also run a business during this emotional time period?
Allow yourself the space and time to mourn your breakup. You will need to go through the grieving process as a breakup is synonymous to death so give yourself this sacred time to recenter and recalibrate. Feeling your emotions is primordial for healing and releasing.
Feel and embrace your emotions. Then let it go. Take 8 hours, 2 days, or even a week out from work and motherhood as possible for you but give yourself this gift – a break. Do what your body and soul need. Cry if you need to cry. Scream if you need to scream. Eat chocolate, vent, stare, run, etc.
Then after your specified time go back to business. Set the intention to leave your pain and emotions in the bedroom and step in your genius and power outside your bedroom and work ground.
The secret is to compartmentalize your life and feelings. Allow certain feelings in certain boxes. Be graceful with yourself in the event of overflow. Acknowledge and re-calibrate.
Breakup box in the bedroom. Mother box at all times except in the bedroom. CEO box in your work settings. Give yourself permission to adopt these personas as needed throughout your day and revert to your center when needs be to refocus and re-energized.
Should women go on a vacation alone after a breakup to regroup?
It goes back to the concept of self-dating. To me a solo trip also qualifies as a self-date but an extended one.
Keep in mind that breaking free from the ordinary, your routine and triggers will soothe your pain and balance your emotions.
So taking yourself on a trip will break your routine, rebuild the trust in yourself, strengthen your intimacy and resilience muscles, and recenter you. This will be the best gift you can give yourself after such.
Related article: Fall into a Self-Care Staycation
For women looking to start a new relationship, what are some things they should not carry over into a new relationship and what is some dating advice to ensure no expectations are met?
Before getting into a new relationship you must do the internal work to heal your wounds, release your heartbreak pain and old patterns, and unleash your true power.
One key element is not to carry your limiting beliefs, tramas, shame, guilt, fears and resentment into your next relationship. Therefore, you must detach emotionally, spiritually, intellectually, energetically, and physically from your former relationship, beliefs, wounds, and emotions to restore your balance and self.
REMEMBER that you are worthy as you are so stop looking for validation in your partner but instead start giving yourself the validation you crave.
Download your Free Tips to Dating Again Here.
After a breakup, it’s normal to feel depressed or have low self-esteem or body issues; what advice would you have for rebuilding confidence?
Have an affair with yourself by dating yourself and practicing self-love to boost your confidence, self-esteem, and belief in self.
Discover your wants, desires, dreams, and body. Yes, explore your body to rekindle with yourself and your desires. Reaching ecstasy and accepting your body and self as it will boost your self-confidence and self-belief if done right.
Another key will be to rebuild the trust with yourself. Set small challenges and celebrate your wins. Practice the Japanese concept of KAIZEN. Kaizen translates to “change for the better” or “continuous improvement.” Start with small and incremental challenges, such as waking up at 8am everyday for the next 66 days and then moving to 7am. Or going on a self date every Friday for the next month for at least 15 minutes.
Everytime you fulfill your engagement you will rebuild your trust and create new neural pathways that will repattern your beliefs and reinforce your worthiness spectrum. Take on the challenge and share your experience with me.
To forgive or forget: how does one choose which path works better for them?
First, set the intention to forgive emotionally, intellectually, spiritually, and energetically. Forgiveness has both emotional and behavioral elements. Note that forgiving does not mean forgetting or that the event or act was okay but rather forgiveness releases you from your hold and free you from your chains.
Studies suggest that a sustained pattern of unforgiveness will result in poor health because of the negative physiological states that accompany unforgiveness. Consequently, it is a must for your healing and health. You may forgive without forgetting so remember that. Forgiveness does not make it OKAY.
Forgiveness Practice from the Contemplative outreach
The Welcoming Prayer helps to dismantle acquired emotional programs and heal the wounds of a lifetime by addressing them where they are stored — in the body.
- Feel and sink into what you are experiencing this moment in your body.
- “Welcome” what you are experiencing this moment in your body as an opportunity to consent to the Divine Indwelling.
- Let go by saying “I let go of my desire for security, affection, control and embrace this moment as it is.”
Should I have break-up sex; is it my mental emotions speaking or my physical desires?
Absolutely NO. Because you will feel worthless after the sex and even worst when he decides to dump you all over again to reinforce his non commitment clause.
Be truthful with yourself. Why do you want sex with your ex?
- You are attached to the sex component of the relationship which will make it hard for you to move on. Set the intention to let go of his mastery in bed and know that your cookie and yourself will be more than alright without him.
- You hope to rekindle the relationship by showing him how amazing you are together. Sex is for sure the wrong approach because you are allowing him to disrespect you with your accord of course since you gave in to the act.
- What is it for you?
Just pleasure yourself if you feel the need to get it on but do not give in to breakup sex to rekindle the relationship or fill the void you feel right now. Sex is never the answer. Confronting your FEARS is KEY.
Breakup sex could be indeed a mix of emotional and physical desires or stand alone desires. Although the answer will be different from person to person. Are you a sexual being? Are you using sex to cope with your emotions? Are you using sex as a bargaining tool?
The better question is why do you use sex as a currency? Ponder on this and be truthful to release and heal. Do the internal work required and do not be afraid to get dirty. You will thank yourself afterward.
Related article: xoSelf: I am too busy for sex; Say Goodbye to my Husband?
Is it true that unresolved family/childhood issues can rollover into a relationship and if so how do you cope with this or find healing?
Yes, it is completely true that unresolved childhood issues will influence your relationships with yourself and others. You will be emotionally available or unavailable as informed by your past, environment and relationship with your primary caregiver(s).
Definition of emotionally unavailable from the Medical News Today
Emotional detachment refers to the inability of a person to fully engage with feelings of their own or those of others.
You must gently peel the layers of yourself and get to the core of your wounds. Doing the internal work will be your best shot at understanding yourself and relationships and releasing your childhood traumas. You GOT this!
How to heal your childhood traumas and experience improved relationships
The first step will be to bring awareness to your traumas by pulling data and imprints from your subconscious. Then communicate with your protective self to acknowledge, understand, and redirect your resistance. Finally, rewire your patterns and beliefs.
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To connect with Ohouo:
Hi! I’m Ohouo, a certified heartbreak coach who helps women get their groove back after a breakup and unleash their true power.
My life’s trajectory has also been dotted with several breakups forcing me to create lessons from personal experiences and heal my wounds and inner self. After every breakup, I questioned my worth and lovability. But everything changed when I came in agreement with God and accepted my inherent worth, I was then able to heal my heart, release my traumas, and repattern my beliefs.
Inevitably, I have vowed to help women feel vibrant, lit-up, and in love with themselves as they unlock their healing codes to shift their heartbreak pain into deep peace and ecstasy.
This quote says it all about me – “The person who risks nothing, does nothing, has nothing, is nothing” by Leo F. Buscaglia. For me, it is a reminder that perils will always happen until I take my last breath, so I must strive every day to be the lead character in my own life.
Booking link
https://www.instagram.com/theintimacymaven/
@ohouo_heartbreakcoach
hello@fromheartbreaktoecstasy.com
Phone/ Whatsapp
(813) 419-3954